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The thing is, we don’t find people sexy just because they’re good at everything. We find all the Kwihn-ih-pee-ak shirt besides I will buy this things that are wrong with them hot, too: the creases around their eyes, how grumpy they get when they don’t get their own way, the redness around their nails where they’ve bitten off all the skin. I grimaced when the gym door closed on me after that guy asked me out, but maybe it was cute—maybe it was like something that would happen to Jennifer Aniston in a rom-com. A couple of weeks ago, at an event for the Stack World, Mahima Razdan walked us through a guided meditation that really resonated with me. She told us that we are absolutely worthy and loveable, and that we come into the world knowing this. That’s why, when we’re babies, we cry to let our parents know what our needs are—fully expecting them to be met. Over the course of our lives, we lose touch with this inner knowledge, but there are ways to connect with it again so that we can feel with absolute certainty that we are enough and have always been enough. I came out of the meditation feeling lighter, more centered. My shoulders rolled back into their sockets. I looked people right in the eye.
I wanted to wait until I was “good enough” before I went on a date again because I thought that meant it would be more likely to go well, but “good enough” is not a static place. Once you reach the Kwihn-ih-pee-ak shirt besides I will buy this bottom of your self-improvement list, new things appear on it. Knowing more about politics, needing to boost the collagen in my skin. There’s no finish line; there’s always more to be done if you’re looking for something to “fix” about yourself, and what you consider to be good will change over time, too. I’ll start to hate the Pamela Anderson-ish baby bangs I cut into my hair. I’ll shave the ends of my eyebrows off, then miss when they had more of a shape. There’s no confirmation email, no moment of ascension, where I will spin out of myself, sparkling and waxed and ready for love. The goodness inside of us grows, it bends and flips, it might get bigger, but it was there all along. It just looked different.
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