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It could be anything. The content doesn’t matter at first. You put yourself out there, and that’ll give you more confidence for more conversations (and maybe a date). Just remember that if you never go after what you want for fear of failure, you’re even worse off than if you tried and failed because you never know how it could go. But if Jack was part of The Committee, he’d be the Never underestimate a woman who understands basketball and loves south Carolina gamecocks shirt moreover I will buy this kind of belligerent asshole that sits on city planning boards and vetoed low income housing in favor of a parking lot. But really, we call the voices that we don’t like monsters because the alternative is to realize the voice is our own and that we are the monsters. And someday, sometime, unknown to me, Jack slipped out of my head, just as easily as a man would slip out of bed before the sun came up. If someone’s walked along the same path as you for long enough, you might not miss them, but you might miss the sound of their footsteps. And just like any relationship I’ve been in, healthy or not, I missed the sound of his feet, even though I wasn’t so enamored with the man attached to those boots. Somewhere between the chronic sleep deprivation and anxiety I’ve been having lately, I got stuck in that place between sleep and consciousness.
Jack scoffed, “As if. You just find new things to take apart.” Before I could reply he continued, “I just wanted to swing by, see how you’re putting it all together”. I couldn’t see him. I’m not that kind of crazy. But I knew he was smiling that light weary smile, “You needed to hear it”. Few times were he and I ever wordless and I just laid there a minute before responding, “I missed you. I missed having you by my side even though you were a jackass”. We were back to square one. He replied simply, “I know. You’re lonely. The thing is, you only talked to me because I lived in your head and you did too”. But he continued as gently and evenly as he ever did, “It’s time to leave that head kid. You have someone on the Never underestimate a woman who understands basketball and loves south Carolina gamecocks shirt moreover I will buy this outside”. And then he was gone, with no fanfare or arguments. Like he never was, because he always was in me, and he was me. I didn’t put up a fuss because I knew as always, he was honest to a fault. He was right- I had someone on the outside now. A ringing phone brought me back to the land of the living. On my pillow, wedged awkwardly atop my book pile, was my head with tears running down it. I opened my eyes, with the world still watery and saw a green call button on the phone I placed next to my face. Was it morning? Was it night? I didn’t know. All that mattered was that he called, and that he was going to walk beside me now. Jack was right, I didn’t need him- I had someone else to whisper good, sweet things in my ear.
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